“If you swear that there’s no truth and who cares,
how come you say it like you’re right?
Why are you scared to dream of God,
when it’s salvation that you want?”
-Bright Eyes

I found God tonight. I don’t think he was hiding, but I found him. I sat on my balcony and enjoyed the slight breeze after the rains, and I couldn’t deny a maker of all that surrounded me.

“For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse.” Romans 1:19-20

But what was my response? Nothing. I don’t get it. I don’t get how we can continue to see evidence of a maker and not think twice about responding to him. How can we be in awe of his creation yet ignore the creator?

I need to be more aware of the realities in life and quit hiding under the ignorant and lazy blanket we have created to make our days easier. We need to wake up, we are all sleeping and letting what truly matters in life slip by.

I think some people might mock faith because it seems ignorant. One shouldn’t believe something without proof, there’s no intelligence in that. And if there is any actual proof at all, one could not call it faith. So I get it, faith is almost synonymous with anything lacking understanding and… perhaps truth.

Yet, there has to be some sort of balance between science and faith. I cannot accept that everything contains some sort of proof. Not everything makes sense, but we still go with it and accept it as real.

Can anyone over the age of 13 deny the feeling of having to leave someone just after discovering how much you truly like that individual, while knowing they reciprocate the same feelings for you? There is no other place you would rather be than in their presence, but the duties of life require your departure. There is nothing scientific about it. It is simply you and that person connecting in a way in which you cannot connect with any other individual. It is not just two completely random beings in the same place. It is something much bigger and much more confusing than that.

Love is not scientific, why don’t we mock it?

I’m going to open up little. I’ve somewhat discussed what I want from my life. Some Christians might describe it as being… “called”. Perhaps that is accurate description, but I heard no voice. All I know is that God has given me a desire for cool technology and studying and helping others study God. Right now, I know that 1027 church is place where I can fulfill a part of my desire in life. Yet, I do nothing. My job, Apple, gives me a place to also fulfill my desires, yet I’m often only motivated by talks of a higher position.

I believe a lack of discipline is keeping me from doing things I want to be doing. Just reading that conclusion sounds absurd, but it’s reality. It’s up to me to do what I want to do, and I want to do it, so why is it so difficult?

I need discipline… bad.

I was reading in Mark about this guy who had a demon in him and went to Jesus to get it out. Obviously many questions arise when reading about demons, but really stuck out to me was Jesus’ words in verse 19.

“Go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has mercy on you.”

I obviously believe that Jesus is God and that through Him is the ONLY way to heaven. I have many friends who do not believe this that I genuinely care about. So why am I not telling them… pleading with them about His mercy.

I suppose I want people to be able to make their own decision. Honestly, I don’t know what my deal is. I’m sensing I have a great fear of telling people about something I think they should have.

Fix me.

I don’t really have much to say. I read over my last post and realized I’m not doing much to fulfill my mission.

This song by Pedro the Lion reveals my heart.

“You’re up with the sunrise and down when the works been done. With excellence… industry… dilligence… naturally. I would like to be you just for few habit forming years. Laziness cuts me like fine cutlery. I need a miracle someone to help me help myself.

Sweet Jesus, I need you forgive me this sin. Not hookers or heroine, gambling or gin. It sounds so ridiculous but I just can’t lick this. I need a miracle someone to help me help myself.”

“So this is the new year… and I don’t feel any different.”

God gave me a mission. I don’t believe it is possible to deny this mission. Some might say that it’s written on my heart, I believe it might even be on my bones. Even after death, I hope my mission can still have an effect on the world.

This mission is to glorify Him. You could say that he’s selfish, but I’m just going to say He’s God… and I’m not going to argue. He wants glory, and he wants me to give it to Him. I’ve also got this notion that he wants me to be good by his standards. This goodness comes in the form of morality, which I believe is based on a law found in the Torah. That is not saying that my God desires works… or my salvation is based on works. It is just saying that I believe a higher being, which I refer to as God (and without much explanation Jesus) and  He desires us to uphold good morals that He set forth.

Therefore, that is my mission to live good and glorify Him. I don’t think it’s that hard to wrap my mind around. So… why do I fail in this mission… on a daily basis?

I don’t know if there is any better feeling than having love, in any form, reciprocated. I don’t think I’m looking for its truest form right now, but I’m definitely searching for that feeling and trying to figure out who I should become to receive that. I guess I’m going through a discovery stage. I’m trying to figure out who I am and what part of me needs changing. I agree with Barney, everyone is special in his or her own way. I believe that all humans are completely unique individuals. It’s one of those concepts that you just assume and never really wrap your mind around how amazing it is. Yet, what makes me, me? Is it possible to change who I am? Is it necessary?

This is the subject of my thoughts currently. Yet, when I fill my mind with these questions, it does me no good to stop there. I should, at least, attempt to find an answer. What truths do I know that can help me?

I don’t know. If anyone reads this, feel free to offer advice.

Reveal to me truth.